EVIL: Every Villain Is Lemons
by nony0mous
Summary: Isabel and Opal team up to become the most insane and hilarious team of evil overlords. And when all else fails... evil does too. So now its up to the Madrigal Mermaids and a bunch of nonsense to save the day! Or doom it. Whichever comes first.
1. The Delusional Duo

**THIS STORY HAS BEEN MADE ILLEGAL BY ISABEL KABRA AND OPAL KOBOI.  
Isabel and Opal have sued nony0mous and now this story is not allowed in any country, body of water, sky, or organism.  
As stated in the Court of Evil Justice, nony0ous does not own The 39 Clues series, which is owned by Scholastic and various other authors, including Rick Riordan.  
According to Isabel, "nony0mous could not own the Artemis Fowl series, because that about a genius and therefore written by a genius. There is no way nony0mous could ever be Eoin Colfer."  
nony0mous, in fact, put so many references in this story, he could probably not even remember where he found them all.  
However, because of a small yet gigantic and obvious loophole in the Unfair Law of the Court of Evil Justice, nony0mous is allowed to post his story on a certain site called Fan Fiction.  
If you are reading this anyplace else that is not Fan Fiction, then report to the Office of Rampage Lawsuits immediately!  
nony0mous, abusing this loophole, encourages you to post reviews on the story and discuss who your favorite villain is.  
nony0mous is also allowed to say that he is the winner of the  
Longest Disclaimer Known to nony0mous  
Award  
You are now free to continue whatever thing you are doing, as long as it is allowed by Isabel and Opal, unless you want to get executed.  
Thank you.**

**There are a huge amount of references in this story. Don't Panic! If you didn't understand the reference I just made there, just read on.**

Isabel Kabra was seething.

She was in her cell inside the asylum. Originally she was locked up for life in jail. But no, the government _had_ to move her just because she attacked a cellmate. Didn't they understand? Wasn't it obvious he was a spy for Amy and Dan? Only a spy for them would dress that poorly!

Now she was locked up for life in an asylum.

Only her best friend in the whole wide world, Padwall, understood. Isabel didn't actually know Padwall's real name, so she nicknamed him. She got the name from her former cellmate, who told her about this book. In it were four Frauders: Goony, Wormfail, Padwall and Tongs. At least that was what she thought they were named. Padwall didn't oppose to the name, so it stuck.

"But what should I do?" she asked Padwall. For some reason Padwall never responded. He was kind of dumb that way. Then again, he was a padded wall. But that was Padwall for you.

Today, however, he responded. "Take revenge on that genius," he said.

Hm. Amy was a bit like a genius. "What else?"

"Attack that old hag." he said.

Alistair was definitely an old hag.

"Kill the commander."

Eisenhower.

"Take away the comfort of that pampered, disgusting wizard!"

Jonah.

"Beware of traitors."

Yes, she'd have to do away of Ian and Natalie.

"NO MORE LEPRECHAUNS!"

Those stupid leprechauns. They were always teasing her from the comfort of the floor. Isabel always had to sleep on the ceiling.

?

Opal Koboi was seething.  
She was in her cell in the cell inside her cell of the asylum. Originally she only had two cells. But no, the LEP _had_to give her another cell just because she tried to escape. Didn't they understand? Wasn't it obvious she wasn't deserving of an asylum? Only the LEP would be cruel enough to put her in a human jail.

Now she had three cells.

Somewhere, she heard a voice. This wasn't surprising; she always heard voices. This one said, "But what should I do?" The voices never answered. But she didn't need them to answer her; she was genius, after all.

She thought about what she would do when she was out of this wicked place.

"Take revenge on that genius."

Artemis kept getting in the way of her plans.

"What else?" the voice asked.

Yes, that wasn't enough. She had to do more. But wasn't that obvious?

"Attack the old hag."

Curse Holly Short, that descendant of Cupid!

"Kill the commander."

She killed one already, why not a second?

"Take away the comfort of that pampered, disgusting wizard!"

That warlock, whose name could barely be written, let alone said.

"Beware of traitors."

Everybody kept betraying her.

"NO MORE LEPrecons!" she screeched.

And those pesky police fairies had to be dealt with.

?

Isabel sighed. She couldn't do anything without getting out of this cell. She might need a partner.

For a moment, the true Isabel broke through. _You don't need a partner,_ she thought. _You need a slave. Someone who will do your bidding, help you rule the world, until there is no reason for them, and then... maybe I'll let them rule. Mars, that is._

She smiled.

?

Opal sighed. She couldn't do anything without getting out of these cells. She would have thought about a partner except Opal cannot think about working together.

_You don't need a partner,_ she thought. _You need a slave. Someone who will do your bidding, help you rule the world, until there is no reason for them, and then... maybe I'll let them rule. Their own Atlantis Maximum Security Prison cell, that is._

She smiled.


	2. Isabel and the Zit

Isabel had already thought of 96 ways to escape her cell. None of them worked.

There was no way out. Not logically, that is.

And so, Isabel turned around to see Dan Cahill standing right in front of her. She lunged to kill him, but she couldn't because she was wearing a straightjacket. "Dan!" she screamed.

"No, I am not Dan."

"Then who are you?"

"I am your your best friend. I am your worst nightmare. I am all that once was and all that will be. I am the Zit," said the Zit. "I am the author's minion, sent to do whatever is necessary to keep the story going. And right now, you need to escape."

Isabel started laughing. "A Zit?"

Dan morphed into Jonah Wizard. " Yo, no need to be all offensive. I was gonna be It, but the author made a typo and thought it would be funnier that way."

Isabel was still laughing.

"Look, if you stop laughing and never tell anyone else about this again, I'll give you an advance copy of my not-yet-released movie, Gangsta' Wars."

Isabel looked at the DVD. It said

_In this epic new movie, the Rebel Gangstas are planning to destroy the powerful Bad Music Star, a weapon capable of destroying all music,created by the Galactic Music Organization. This conflict disrupts the isolated life of farm-boy Jonah Groundwalker (Jonah Wizard), when he acquires the smartphones carrying the stolen Bad Music Star plans. When the Music Organization begins a cruel and destructive search for the smartphones, Groundwalker decides to accompany DJ master Yobi-Want Keroby (Broderick Wizard) on a daring mission to rescue the owner of the smartphones, Princess Heya Organic (Cora Wizard), and save the galaxy._

Isabel threw the DVD. "You call this good?"

"Hey. You never know. It could become the movie of the century."

The Zit morphed back into Dan. "I think I might have found out how to escape."

"Yes?" Isabel waited with excitement.

"Use your ninja moves!"

Then Jonah: "No, use your gangsta' moves!"

"QUIET!" shouted the Zit. He began talking to himself:

"Look, I can turn into anybody I want to. It doesn't mean you can just interrupt me like that. No, the author decided to use your body for this part. That's an honor. You don't need anything else. No, you can't use your ninja moves on me 'cause they're not as good as mine! Oh yea, feel the burn! Fine, I'll put you in the story. What? No way! You are not going to do that to me. Ugh, fine, have it your way. No, Jonah, you already have everything you could ever want! Fine, I'll put you in the story too. And Amy, the author already has plans for you..." The Zit smiled evilly.

"Anyway," he said to Isabel, "The author decided to let me blast down this wall. Oh, but first, I would look in the mirror."

A mirror appeared in Isabel's hands. She gasped in horror: on her face was a big, giant, zit.

"I'll kill you!" she shouted. Unfortunately, the Zit had left. And on the other side of the wall was Opal Koboi.

"What did you say?"


	3. A Short Intermission

And now welcome to Chef Voldemort! Cue the theme song!

_Voldemort, Voldemort,_

_ Oh, Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!_

_ Bu-Dum Bum Bum Bum_

_ Call my baby Voldemort,_

_ Tell you why,_

_ His face is uglier than any guy._

_ And when he doesn't shout Avada Kedavra,_

_ He's using the Imperius Curse!_

_ I call him Voldemort!_

Here is your fabulous host, the man you've all been waiting for, Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef Voldemort!

_Applause, sound of man dying_

Tonight, Voldemort will make a delicious dessert! He will be making...

_Drum-roll_

Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie!

"Wait a minute," said Voldemort. "I will make meatloaf, knishes, even portebello mushroom burgers, but I will not under any circumstances, make any happy sounding thing like a Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie!

"What? It's in my contract? Isn't there anything else? Please, anything but Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie!"

And then, down from the heavens, came, of course, the Zit. Since Voldemort had no idea who Dan Cahill was, he took on the form of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Voldemort lunged for him, but missed because the Zit was floating in the air.

"There is another choice," said the Zit. "You could give me your wand."

Some may find it very interesting that Voldemort handed over the wand in an instant. "Anything but that disgustingly happy delicacy!"

Then the Zit yelled, "Levinecro Wizard Jonah!"

And then, out of the ground, rose Jonah Wizard, in the form of a great sorcerer. Then Jonah shouted, "Levinecro Ninja Dan!"

And out of the ground popped Dan Cahill, in the form of a ninja. Then Jonah shouted, "Levinecro Amy Cahill!"

And out of the ground rose Amy Cahill, in the form of a nerdy mermaid.

The Zit smiled evilly. "Oops."

And then: "Levinecro Ian Kabra!"

And out of the ground rose Ian Kabra, in the form of a spoiled merman.


	4. Where Is My Sanity?

First, some might wonder, "Nerdy mermaid? Spoiled merman? Seriously?"

So I answer, "Yes, I'm perfectly serious. After all, all mermaids need a merman to betray them and then fall hopelessly in love."

So here is the group of heroes. Since 50% of the group are mermaid/mermen, and 50% of them are Madrigals, we shall call them, the Madrigal Mermaids.

But of course, I won't waste this chapter talking about my insanity. I'll waste it talking about other people's insanity.

First up, Ian Kabra.

?

Ian and Amy were gasping. They were gasping because they were mermaids and mermaids can't breath without water.

Ian really loved Amy, which is why he makes my insane list. Really, he's one of the richest, most powerful (and also insane) family, and he could have any girl. Of course, he chooses Amy. Not that I actually have anything against Amy.

Anyway, since he loved Amy so much, he threw her into a vat of water to save her life.

"Ian! I'm drowning!"

"You're a mermaid in a 2 foot high vat! You can't drown, you'd just inhale the water and live!

"But I don't know how to swim!"

And so Amy died.

Now Ian needed help.

"Dan, save me!"

"No, you killed my sister!"

"Jonah, save me!"

"Why should I?"

"I'm your biggest fan! I have a whole shelf with Lil' Gangsta' Bobbleheads!"

A lie detector appeared and said, **TRUE**.

"I'll do anything you want!"

The lie detector said, **FALSE**.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

And so Ian died.

The Madrigal Mermaids rejoiced, but since they weren't Madrigal mermaids, they became the Magical Madrigal Ninja Wizards.

Unfortunately for them, the story couldn't continue without Amy and Ian, so a catwalk fell on their heads and nobody remembered a thing.

?

"Now you see, Isabel, no matter what family you're in, I am infinitely more important than you, as I am a fairy."

"But I thought you said you lost all of your powers and became human?"

"Silence! So maybe I don't have anymore powers. But I discovered a thing called the Zit that restored my powers for the point of this story. So you are not more important than me. I am insulted you mentioned such a thing. However, I will let you redeem yourself. If you help me, then you won't be immediately put on my exile list."

Isabel wasn't stupid. She knew Opal was bluffing. So she bluffed, too. "The Zit taught me the ways of the Force," she said.

Opal had no idea what the Force was, but she knew Isabel was bluffing. So they both knew the other was bluffing, and they knew that the other knew they were bluffing. Which would have been fine except that if Opal was bluffing, then how would she know about the Zit? So naturally, a wormhole opened up and sucked them up. They appeared instantaneously outside the cell, but mysteriously a can of soup also came out. This questions what happened inside the wormhole, which only the Zit knows. All we know is that Opal got her fairy powers back, along with a Neutrino. Isabel learned the Force, and also got a lightsaber. For some reason Isabel looked and sounded exactly like Princess Leia, the Zit knows why, but she had Darth Vader's mask on.

A guard came up, saw Isabel, and bowed down. Opal smiled. "Our first slave. You, what's your name?"  
"Harold, your Highness."

"Harold, go fetch me a box of truffles.

"Yes, your Highness."

"And stop looking at me. It's bad for my skin."


	5. Now Back To The Show!

And now welcome to Chef Voldemort! Cue the theme song!

_Voldemort, Voldemort,_

_ Oh Voldy, Voldy Voldy Voldemort!_

_ Bu Dum Bum Bum Bum_

_ Call my baby Voldemort,_

_ Tell you why,_

_ His face is uglier than any guy,_

_ And when he doesn't shout Avada Kedavra,_

_ He's using the Imperius Curse._

_ I call him Voldemort!_

After a climatic episode, in which Voldy had to choose between making a Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie or giving away his wand, we now watch as Voldemort steps up his game to food sculptures!

_Applause._

Tonight, Voldemort will be making a family recipe... Correction, an orphan recipe. He will be making...

_Drum-roll_.

An Apple Coffin Cake! After chopping up apples, Voldemort will sculpt a coffin out of the shreds!

"Thank you not," Voldy said. "Unfortunately, I will need to borrow someone's wand. You there! You with that zig-zag scar! Your wand is perfect! In fact, for some reason it looks exactly like mine!

"The first step is to wave your wand." Voldemort waves his wand, and a knife starts cutting up apples.

"The next step is to wave your wand!" The apple slices jump into a mold of a tub.

"The third step is to wave your wand!" More apple slices jump into a mold of a coffin cover.

"Next, wave your wand." The molds jump into an oven.

"Last, wave your wand!" The molds come out, and the cover jumps on top of the tub.

"Behold, an Apple Coffin Cake! Who wants to test it out? The last person to call the number on your screen shall have the honor of sleeping in the coffin!"

A number appears on the screen:

**IVO-LDE-MORT **or** 486-533-6678 **ortext **I 3 Voldemort** to **Avada**

"Thank you not!"


	6. Off With Their Heads!

Isabel and Opal were sitting on their thrones in what was once called Princess Peach's Castle. It was now called Opal and Isabel's Military School and Fortress. Fortress as it was, some people didn't understand the big sign that said, "Enter Now, Leave Never."

Which is why the Delusional Duo heard "TEE HEE HEE!" echo off the black walls of the fortress.

"I HAVE CHORTLES!" exclaimed Fawful. "And you shall be enjoying the peaches of depression! Fawful shall take back what he had tried to take back but was taken back from him from those who have taken it back! And you-"

Isabel then took out her lightsaber and slashed off Fawlful's head. It rolled back, right next to the heads off Mario and Luigi and Wario and Yoshi and Bowser and Peach and Daisy and Donkey Kong and Diddy Kony and Cranky Kong and Dixie Kong and Popple and Prince Peasly and the Shroobs and Midbus and Cackletta and Pit and Link and Zelda and Sheik and Ganondorf and Epona and Kirby and King Dedede and Meta Knight and Samus and Ridley and the Space Pirates and Fox and Falco and Wolf and Captain Falcon and Ike and Marth and the Pokemon Trainer and Pikachu and Bidoof and every Pokemon known to man and Solid Snake and Ness and Lucas and Captain Olimar and the Ice Climbers and Sonic and Dr. Eggman and Miles Prower and Knuckles and Big and the LEP and several hundred slaves and of course, Redd Heart of Wonderland.

Isabel and Opal were watching their favorite TV show, The Wonder Pets.

"OMG!" Isabel said. "What will they do? They have to save the platypus! They need to take crayons and draw a magical bridge so they can cross the river!"

"You're so stupid," Opal said, rolling her eyes. "It's clear they must convince the platypus that it's bad to die! The only way they could do that is to break out into a musical number." Opal cleared her throat.

_The phone_

_ The phone is ringing_

_ The phone_

_ We'll be wight there!_

_ There's an animal in trouble_

_ There's an animal in twouble_

_ There's an animal in trouble somewhere_

Isabel clapped. She was impressed. But it was commercial time, so they tried to find something else to watch. She found something on one of the earlier channels, 200,375. It was playing _Chef Voldemort._

"The last person to call the number on your screen will have the honor of sleeping in the coffin!"

Opal said, "Why would we need something like that?"

Just then, a slave, Dr. , came up.

"Bad news, Supreme Rulers of the Earth, Solar System, Galaxy and Universe (who are more powerful than two to the 90th power times the power of every human in the whole world combined)! We found a group of rebels called the Madrigal Mermaids."

For interrupting them, Opal gave him a blast from her Neutrino, which she had improved in every possible way.

Then she said to Isabel, "I told you we could use something like that."

Opal called. "What do you mean, I'm not the last caller? That's impossible! You want me to bring my Force-enabled friend over to convince you? Of course you don't. I expect it here instantly."

A second later, the coffin cake arrived at their feet. For being 999 milliseconds too late, Isabel gave him a taste of some Force Lightning.

"You can put it right there, next to my lightcycle.

And then the Supreme Rulers of the Earth, Solar System, Galaxy and Universe (S.R.E.S.S.G.U.) began plotting.


	7. Elmo Knows Where You Live!

Ninja Rule #1: Be silent and patient.

Dan was having a hard time being silent and patient. Ian decided that he had to watch Sesame Street. Which meant that when he could be taking lessons from Yoda on how to use the force, he was being taught how to count from The Count.

"Yo, this is _not_ cool." said Jonah. "I think you could use my book, _How to be a Gangsta'. _If this can't teach ya, nobody can."

"NO! I WANT BIG BIRD!" screamed Ian.

"If Ian wants Big Bird, he's going to get Big Bird." said Amy.

"'K, _nobody_ can teach him." said Jonah. " Does this kid even know how to walk?"

Ian snapped his fingers, and in walked his butler, Omovoi Butler, who picked Ian up and carried him to the couch.

"Seriously, somebody needs to show this kid a horror movie," said Dan. "Maybe Cujo."

"ELMO!" screamed Ian. "Shhhhh!"

And Elmo started singing,

_La La La La,_

_ La La La La,_

_ Elmo's World._

_ La La La La,_

_ La La La La,_

_ Elmo's World!_

_ Elmo loves his goldfish,_

_ His crayon too,_

_ That's Elmo's World!_

_ "_Yay Elmo!" applauded Ian.

"Elmo wanted to know, what will Elmo be when he grows up? What will you be?"

A five year old comes on screen. "I want to be an astronaut!"

Another one: "A pirate! Argh!"

"A plumber like Mario!"

"A plumber like Luigi!"

A baby comes on screen.

Elmo says, "What does baby want to be when he grows up?"

The baby says nothing.

Then Elmo asks a goldfish, "Dorothy, what do you want to be when you grow up?

A thought bubble appears and shows a picture of a girl from Kansas being blown away by a tornado and landing inside an asylum, where she tells her friends how he was a brainless scarecrow, a heartless tin man, a cowardly lion, and an evil witch who was green and afraid of water.

"Well, Elmo decided what he wants to be. Elmo wants to be a homicidal mass murderer!

Elmo leans in close to the screen and says, "Elmo knows where you live!"

The lights black out inside the Madrigal Mermaid's house. All that can be seen is the faint glow of Elmo's face from the TV.

_!_

The door slams open.

"Where are you, Ian? Elmo wants to play with you."

Ian looks at Elmo. "Are you going to be my friend?"

"I'm going to use you as a qualifier to see if I can be a homicidal mass murderer!"

Jonah raised his wand.

"Mighty Mysteriously Mysterious Mystery Men!

Come and give me a Woodrow Wilson!"

"What does that spell do?" asked Dan.

Out of the darkness, Dan could barely see a $100,000 bill.

"Jonah, this is no time for money! Use a different spell!"

So Jonah raised his wand.

"Come over here, Uncle Elbow,

Give a fist to Mister Elmo!"

Dan heard a man scream in pain. Suddenly, a third arm grew out of Elmo's body.

"You idiot! You just took off Uncle Elbow's arm and gave it to Elmo! What are we going to do now?"

Just then, Amy approached Elmo.

"No Amy! You're too old to die to Elmo!"

And Amy said to Elmo, "Give. Me. The Ian."

Elmo got a confused look on his face, then dropped Ian.

"How about this, Elmo. We'll have a few contests. If I win all of those contests, then you let my frenemies go."

Elmo nodded. He was great at contests.

Round 1: Poker.

Winner: Amy.

"Never play poker with a kid who reads minds."

Round 2: How Long Can You Stay Underwater?

Winner: Amy.

"I can breath underwater!"

Round 3: Fishing

Winner: Amy.

"The fish say that you're a smelly creep."

Round 4: Staring Contest.

Winner: Amy.

"It helps if you can control minds."

Round 5: Disguising.

Winner: Amy.

Note: Amy changed into a bird, giving her a very easy win.

Also noted: At the end of the contest, Amy magically changed into a winged girl. This is still unexplained.


	8. LeZiticus Chapter 0

And from the heavens, the Zit looked down with great tears.

"Why must it be, that I am no longer in the story?" He asked the heavens of the heavens. "If not for me, then who? If not for me, then nobody. If not for me, Isabel and Opal would be in the asylum. If not for me, then Jonah, Dan, Amy and Ian, they would not exist. If not for me, Voldemort would wander endlessly on the Earth, never once hearing of the Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie. Why, oh great Author, must I stay up here, without the ability to embarrass others?"

And so the Author heard the Zit's tears, and he asked, "wat mor cud u want? I gav u life, power, twitter, and u cmplain? :("

And said the Zit: "Stop what you are doing, Twitter, Facebook, texting. What's wrong with talking?"

":( talking makes mi tung hurt."

So said the Zit, "There's something rotten in the state of-"

"Shhh, dont giv away mi position to d terrorists!"

"Why are you being hunted by terrorists?"

"funy words, head ake, hlp me, plz no weird wrds"

"The words of Shakespeare are not weird, but they are more beautiful than anything ever written. If you decide not to listen, your loss. But did you know he invented the word puke? Do you think he is so crazy now? As he once said, all the world's a stage."

"um, cud u repete dat last part? All I got was:"

The author senteth another message: "The words of Shakespeare are not weird, but they are more beautiful than anything ever written. If you decide not to listen, your loss. But did you know he inve"

Again he wrote to Zit: "yea, dough it iz a book, I can only get 160 carakterz. Me phon plan sez so."

"Well," said the Zit, "All that glisters is not gold, as Shakespeare also said. But can you put me back into the story, or else I must sleep, perchance to dream."

"Fine. I wil alow u to uz the wepon of gret evil. Satisfied?"

"No. Nothing can come of nothing."

"And a yumy tumy gumy ber brony cak py."

And so the Zit descended upon the Earth with his flying monkeys.


	9. Flying Tigers, Lions, And Bears, Oh My!

Isabel and Opal were having dinner on the sim-balcony. They didn't use the real balcony because the elements were "too harsh for royalty." So instead they were looking out on the same view in real time, but there was no 1 MPH wind.

Chef Cruell E. Ville was their chef that night, and he set down the dishes.

"For Miss Koboi, we have the critically endangered Cuban crocodile, served with a side of melted butter, along with garlic bread, with a neutralized smell so small, the most keen animal-which is extinct, thanks to you, of course- could never detect it.

"And for you, Mrs. Kabra, we have roasted pig, put in horror pose, apple in mouth, staring in fright, sprinkled with a sauce of human blood. For a side, we have Dan Cahill soup, in which every noodle contains every single detail of his body parts-dismembered, of course.

And for dessert, we are serving Yummy Tummy Ugly Ian Brownie Cake Pie, topped with a massive dose of whipped cream, which is supporting a truffle fountain. Anything you want, just call."

Then Cruell exited the room. Five seconds later, he was called back in with a code red emergency.

"Why can I smell my garlic bread?" Opal asked.

"I'm very sorry, Ms. Koboi, but that must be the garlic that Ms. Frond was eating. You know how she is. However, next time, please alert me with code turquoise."

"Chef, please have Frond executed. You may now leave."

Three seconds later, Mr. Ville was again called with a code red.

"Mr. E. Ville, why is there no hair on Dan?" asked Isabel.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Kabra, but you see, there is hair right here."

"This is noodle hair, for you information, not real hair. Next time, I expect real hair. You may now leave. And send in my entertainment."

Two seconds later, 13 people came in, ten dressed in black, three dressed in white.

"Madrigal!" screamed Isabel. She immediately threw her knife, but the room was so big it dropped less than halfway there.

"I'm sorry, I am not this gentleman you speak of. We are Fighting Gravity. After we wer so rudely booted off America's Got Talent-which is of course because of one little mistake-"

Another black interrupted him. "It was not my fault. I was forced to move that way. I didn't want to, but it just _happened_."

A third man spoke up. "Yeah, right. Like a fairy was in the audience and decided to use her magic to make you mess you up."

Opal smiled evilly.

"Anyway," the first man continued, "After we got booted off, we got the consolation prize, which was getting to perform for you two. We also got to add three more people. This is Vanessa Sara Lee-"

"You could just call me Nessa. Nessa Sara Lee."

"And here is John T., and last but certainly least, is Stewart Pidalium, or Stew Pid for short."

Isabel said sarcastically, "Oh, what a colorful cast."

"I'm sorry, the colorful cast is actually them-" here he pointed to four men dressed in blue, red, purple, and green, "who are called, uh, the Giggles, I think. Or maybe it was the Piggles?"

Isabel screamed. "Stupid men alert! Code Red, Code Red!"

Apparently, however, Isabel never heard of the boy who cried wolf, because she didn't understand why the chef wasn't coming.

Apparently, however, Opal was too obsessed with where her shrine was being placed.

"No, not to the right of the temple, to the left, you idiots!"

Isabel tried to use the Force, but Opal cut her off.

"You didn't think I lost all of the powers I had in my days of being obsessed with sucking the life out of every single helpless little animal that was the last of its species, did you?"

And then Isabel screamed, "OMG!"

Because coming at their castle was a flying armada of flying monkeys, lions, tigers, bears, and of course, toads.

At the same time, Dr. came up. "Great Tormenters! I bring terrible news."

Isabel gasped. "Uncle Elbo lost an arm?"

"Um, not that I know of. But we found another group of rebels."

"UGH! Why does everybody hate us? Ok, there is only one way to deal with this."

Send out the Liopleurodon!"


	10. The Wrath of Artemis

There are two types of Liopleurodon.

There is the one that comes from a gazillion years ago. He is a ferocious dinosaur and would probably eat off the heads of any babies who happened to walk by.

Then there is the Liopleurodon that comes from Secret Agent Bob's Charlie the Unicorn and Charlie teh Unicorn series. His only purpose was to lead the way to Candy Mountain.

Until now.

Because luckily for Beckett and Myles, Isabel's Liopleurodon was the second type.

Beckett and Myles, or The Wrath of Artemis, the name they devised for their group, were plotting to invade Opal and Isabel's Military School and Fortress. Isabel and Opal did not know about them because when they interviewed Artemis, he sung like a canary. Literally. I don't think anyone, even Holly, knew he could sing like that.

It was also lucky for them that Isabel was too busy doing a crossword puzzle to notice them.

"What is a word that ends in 'ust'? Bloodlust."

Anyway, Beckett noticed that a someone was walking towards them. Apparently, warlocks find it perfectly inconspicuous to be dressed as a hippie, because the guards came and locked him up.

"Rah rah rah!" Leo, as we shall call the Liopleurodon, spoke. Luckily, Myles spoke Liopleurodonese, so he understood what Leo was saying. This is how the conversation goes:

"Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah?" asked Myles.

"Rah rah rah rah rah," replied Leo.

"Rah rah rah rah rah rah? Rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah rah."

"Rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah."

Leo joined your party!

?

Isabel and Opal had recommending books to each other.

"I highly suggest this book," said Isabel. "It's called 'Artemis Fowl'."

And so Opal read the book. This is what she wrote in her column (actually, it was more like a whole section,) in the international newspaper, The Evil Excerpt: " Twelve-year old Artemis is a near-ingenious criminal mastermind. With two obviously untrustworthy sidekicks in tow, he hatches a terrible plot steal a puny amount of gold from some unimportant fairies. Of course, he is foolish enough to believe in all that "gold at the end of the rainbow" nonsense. He accidentally finds out that the best way to get some easy gold is to kidnap a fairy and wait for ransom. After a boring and sleazy adventure, I found out I was in the next book. Unfortunately, none of you will get to read either of these books because I am ordering you to burn every copy existing of this series." Obviously, Opal loved the book.

Anyway, while Isabel did away with the flying army, Opal watched on Opal TV the premier of The Hungry Liopleurodon. She was excited. What would Leo do this time?

Unfortunately, it seemed that he would be bribed with twenty bucks. This was not what she wanted. She picked up the phone.

"Hello, this is your ruler speaking. You do not need to waste your time telling me that you are not worthy of me, because I already know that. I was watching this show, and things were getting boring. I need you to come to 411, You Are Not Deserving Of This Road, Opisabel, Isopal World. Do what you need to do."

?

Leo insisted that the Wrath of Artemis should come up with a motto, so they did.

_Oppose us, eat you!_

So while Leo ate all the guards, Myles and Beckett were distracted by a guy in a Professor Primate suit. Unfortunately for Professor Primate, they were not primates, but in fact geniuses, and knew that this was a fake. Also, Professor Primate apparently didn't know that two year olds could be very vicious.

And so, as they invaded the military school and fortress, they planned for the climax.


	11. The Isabel and Opal Slave Training Video

Congratulations! If you are watching this video, then you have officially become one of our millions of slaves. And as any slave knows, POOP! You see, POOP is an ingenious acronym for:

**P**eople

**O**bey**  
O**ur**  
P**roclamations

Remember this, and you'll live a happy and oblivious life. Let's take a look at a good slave.

This is Grudge Bob. Like any slave, Grudge Bob knows that Opal and Isabel are more important than anyone else, even the mysterious Zit. Grudge Bob, however, wasn't always Grudge Bob. He had to work to get to this position. First he was Bob. Then he was Squid Bob. Then he was Slave Bob. Then he was Bad Bob. Then Devious Bob. Then Evil Bob. Then Terrible Bob. Then Terrorist Bob. Then Bathroom Bob. Then Secret Agent Bob. Then Sponge Bob. Then Insane Bob. And now he is finally Grudge Bob. This is the closest position one could get to Delusional rank, which was what Isabel and Opal were at. However, there were still a few ranks that existed only to show that Delusionals were way more important than Grudges.

Now here is a bad slave: Squid Girl.

Squid Girl enjoys sleeping on the job. Now we will see what happens when you sleep on the job.

**Censored From story.**

Relatives of Squid Girl are not permitted to arrange or attend any kind of funeral.

Remember: NO SLAVE WANTS TO BE A SQUID GIRL!

However, good slaves like Grudge Bob enjoy luxuries like:

Real water.

A room to sleep in.

Permission to use the You Can Buy This gift shop, but the You Can't Buy This gift shop is still off limits.

Information on what the said slave is supposed to do.

Pictures (bugged) of Your Supreme Rulers.

Now here is a list of courses you will be taking.

Arson Training

Cahill Behavior

Fairy Killing 101

Your Supreme Rulers, and What They Want You to Know (not to be confused with the canceled course of Your Supreme Rulers, and What They Don't Want You to Know)

How to go 24 Hours Without Sleep

These are all standard training. However, you must now go off to celebrate your suicidal- er, new recital mission.


	12. The Sign That You're a Cahill

If you are a genius, they say, you are most likely a Cahill.

If you are devious, you are most likely a Cahill.

Or maybe you are very talented, or artistic, whatever, you are most likely a Cahill.

And if you are one of those super tough guys, like Olympic or Army type, you are most likely a Cahill.

But there is one easy way to tell if you are _definitely _a Cahill.

You find yourself setting a fire.

Hairy Butter was currently setting a fire. Hairy Butter was currently insane. Apparently, he was once a very great man, but he got such a swelled head that he forgot everything except his secret hobby of brewing hairy butter.

He started out being a hobo, but times passed and he became a lonely hobo. Lonely hobos are not meant to be, and Hairy eventually began to feel a change. He decided to go to an orientation for help. There he watched a movie. Here is what he learned:

_As a young Cahill matures, _the narrator said, _changes happen in the kid-who-was-raised-horribly's body. You may notice your eyes never cry and you may have a sudden desire to set fire to human beings. These changes are perfectly normal and happen to all kids-who-were-raised-horribly._

And indeed, Mr. Butter felt a sudden desire to make an arson.

So our young Cahill walked over to the nearest house, shouted something his sub-conscience suggested to him, and soon the house was nothing but a few billion ashes.

Unfortunately, the residents of the house included a ninja and a wizard, along with two mermaids, and so Hairy never stood a chance. However, the Oracle came, and claimed that

_The buttered one knows the way_

_To kill them all and save the day._

So Hairy was spared. Unknown to him, though, the Madrigal Mermaids secretly conspired to kill him once he did his job.

Hairy then went to a website to discover his family branch and found out he was a Vesper.

So unknown to the Madrigal Mermaids, Hairy secretly plotted to kill them once he had done his job.

Hairy went to another site to discover his house and found out he was Gryffindor.

Dan was Gryffindor.

Jonah was Slytherin.

Amy was Ravenclaw.

Ian was Slytherin.

And the Zit was the announcer for the Quidditch matches.

And so the Madrigal Mermaids prepared for the climax.


	13. 1 vs 100

Isabel sat patiently with her iBattle in her hand. The iBattle looked remarkably like a DS, yet at the same time it looked like an iPhone. She remembered somebody once singing, "I hate my life and I wanna die, I ain't got no iPhone." So she responded, "I can arrange that."

Isabel selected the iDestroytheentireuniverse app. She threw out a uDie grenade and some Force lightning. She could easily defeat them. She could defeat her all her slaves. She could defeat the country. The continent. The world. She could defeat God! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Bow down to your almighty ruler!

Did I forget to tell you Isabel was insane?

Before she could do more, though, she saw a flying lion.

"Lio? Is that you?"

It would have been a tearful reunion, but Isabel was a Cahill, so she couldn't cry. Also, Isabel couldn't speak Lionese, so she made Lio speak English.

"But how?" Isabel asked Lio the Flying Lion.

"I did things no lion should do," Lio said. "They shall haunt me forever."

"Really? Nothing ever haunts me. I always get a good night's sleep when I know I did the job-killing Irina, for example-right."

And so Isabel and Lio and the Flying Animals prepared for the climax.

P.S. That was a short chapter, so here is chapter 14.5-a little treat for my minions.


	14. T is For Truffle

Opal was walking to the Truffle Room. It was right between the Amber Room and the Opal Room. And it was filled with truffles.

And truffle cakes. And truffle brownies. And truffle pies. And truffle candies. And truffle truffles. The list goes on and on.

Opal approached the Truffle Sanctuary inside the Truffle Room. Inside the sanctuary was a statue of Mother of All Truffles, or MOAT for short. It was made of chocolate, but it was said that if you tried to eat it, you'd end up with a case of truffle pox.

Below the statue was the famous saying, ATARI: All Truffles Are Rich Inside.

"Oh MOAT, I have tried to be good to you in every way," said Opal. "I have built this sanctuary; I have worshiped you endlessly; I have stolen the truffles from every citizen of the world. I have become like a goddess myself.

"But I need your help tonight for what I am about to do. I need you to help my alter ego survive her concert tonight. I am beaten, and only the Forbidden Truffle can help me become Lady Gaga."

_GASP! OPAL IS LADY GAGA?_

And that was when Opal heard.

_T is for truffle,_

_ That's good enough for me._

_ Oh, truffle, truffle, truffle starts with T!_

Enter the Truffle Monster.

Opal had heard about him. He was a legendary truffle thief who was attracted to the largest truffle deposits in the world. According to fact, however, he simply attacked the biggest gits in the world.

And now he was here, which meant it was

**A Lady Gaga Vs. Truffle Monster Truffle Fight!**

_Dun, dun, !_

Which meant it is time for the Lady Opal Sing-Along!

Opal's first song was

_Just run,_

_ It won't be OK,_

_ Da da, doo-doo-mmm_

_ Just run_

_ Shoot that Neutrino babe,_

_ Da da doo-doo-mmm_

_ Just run_

_ It won't be OK,_

_ r-r-r-run, run, j-j-j-just run._

"What is that terrible music? It's terrible! Not as bad as Jonas Brothers and Justin Beiber, but still, my ears!"

Opal smiled and laughed her evil laugh, which came from her ancestor, Mr. Koboi-Slytherin.

_Can't beat my, can't beat my,_

_ no he can't beat my science project,_

_ (She's got to hate that Foaly)_

_ Can't beat my, can't beat my,_

_ no he can't beat my science project,_

_ (She's got to hate that Foaly)_

"Me need truffle, stop terrible music!"

_I'm your biggest enemy,_

_I'll stalk you until you give me,_

_ truffles, truffles, I want truffles_

_ Baby there's only one _

_ alternative, I'd have to kill you,_

_ for truffles, truffles, I want truffles!_

"OMG I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!"

_I want your truffles and I want domination,_

_ you and me could write an evil romance._

_ I want your truffles, and I want my revenge,_

_ you and me could write an evil romance!_

"! TRUFFLE NEEDED I'M GONNA DIE SELF DESTRUCT!"

And so, Lady Opal defeated the Truffle Monster with her terrible music.*

Then she prepared for the climax

*nony0mous has nothing against Lady Gaga, but does against all other said artists. This is a personal opinion, so please, no angry mobs of fangirls and/or fanboys trying to kill me.


	15. The Climatic Climax

They knew it was coming.

They had prepared themselves.

Now it was finally here.

The Apple Coffin Cake.

"Evil, isn't it?" asked Opal.

"Yes, devious indeed," replied Isabel.

And so they waited for the party to arrive.

?

When the party arrived, Isabel made an announcement.

"Now, I know many of us are eager to kill ourselves right away," she started, looking at herself. "But I'm afraid we can't. For our entertainment, I devised a schedule. First match is... Leo vs. Lio

?

Miles was ready.

He sat on the top of Leo, ready to fight.

He waited.

Finally, he gave the command.

And jumped off while Leo went into battle so he could die a horrible death by himself.

So Lio said, "ROAR ROAR ROAR?" (Translation: Any last words?)

And Leo replied, "RAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRAH!" (Translation has been censored from story.)

Lio, insulted, was paralyzed, and Leo knocked him out of the sky.

Next was Hairy vs. Voldemort.

"Avada Kedavra!" screamed Voldemort.

_No, _thought Hairy. _This is a figment of my imagination! I will not let this curse stop me! It is not real! I will show it that it cannot trick me!_

Unfortunately, the curse was real, so Hairy died.

"Yes!" shouted Isabel. "Where's your prophecy now? Go, SC-O!"

Scared, Dan started running.

"Stop it, you imbecile!" shouted a voice.

"Huh? Who said that?" asked Dan.

"Me, you fool! Plankton! Single Cell-Organism!"

Dan came to the sudden realization of what happened, and threw Plankton out the window. Of course, they were in the highest room of the tallest tower, so Plankton fell to his doom, which was in the castle restaurant, the Fum Bucket.

After a series of boring events, the Madrigal Mermaids and the Wrath of Artemis were locked up in their own private cell. Luckily for them, Isabel and Opal's idea of torture was luxurious, so they were still enjoying themselves.

Opal screamed victoriously. "We won! The only way for you to defeat me is so highly improbable, its never going to happen!"

Which is why a giant eyeball filled the room, replaced by Spongebob, replaced by a DVD, replaced by a Yummy Tummy Gummy Bear Brownie Cake Pie, and an assortment of other strange and random objects until it was finally replaced by the _Heart of Gold._

Zaphod Beeblebrox stepped out. "Hey, this isn't Barbados!"

In the next cell, the Brille brothers moaned.

So Zaphod vanished, replaced by a wormhole of improbability, which resulted in Professor Umbridge coming out of it with Harry, who had a scar on his hand that said, _I will not turn Malfoy into a weasel._ Maximum Ride came out shouting at Fang, who then kissed her (eew), followed by Iggy cooking, then Nudge complaining how she wanted to go to school, then the Gasman doing what he does best, then Angel reading and controlling minds, and so many other people that the world exploded. However, by a very improbable chance, it came back together.

"Yes!" shouted Opal "Now, my minions, strike!"

However, none of her minions got to strike, because Patrick, who had butter all over him, walked over to the wall.

"I'm going to get some Chum Burgers. Anybody else want?" Then he pressed the big red button that said, _Self-Destruct._

"Patrick, no!" shouted every person in the room.

Opal and Isabel then jumped into the Apple Coffin Cake.

The world exploded, but the Coffin Cake soared out into space, where it landed on a deserted planet, where Isabel and Opal created a new species, the Isopals, where everyone lived unhappily ever after.

And then the Zit went to their planet, where he killed everybody and lined up the bodies so they spelled,

**teh**** END!**

**Sorry that it's over, but look for my other stories in the Harry Potter section!**

**Harry in Llamaland**

**So You Want to Be a Death Eater**

**The Voldy 5 Sing Along**


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